Just this morning at about 3 am, I started writing because I'm just too angery about what my life has become to sleep. Even if I can't seem to get my shit together and what not, I am really excited about this project. I wrote a whole chapter already, about five pages typed, and only have a rough idea of where the whole thing is going. It feels like an adventure, like my first novel did when I started it so long ago.

I don't know what it's called yet, but its about love without being a romance, its about loss without being a tragity. Yeah, I know that doesn't make any sense. Mostly what its about is realizing that you're part of something more important than your own petty little problems. Its about more than dealing with losing things that matter most to you, its about trancending the scars that puts on your soul.

It makes me feel sorta better and sorta worse when I work on it. Makes me wonder if I'll come out of working on it feeling right as rain or suicidal. You just never can tell, you know? Either way, I hope I see this one through to the end. It just seems too good not too. I'll post pieces of it when I think they're good enough to be posted.

Love may have failed me, but I'm not quite finnished yet. For good or for ill, I'll find something to set me free from this madness that robs me of sleep and hunger. I must survive, even if there is no real reason for me to anymore. Life is sweet after all for most. If I cannot be a shining example of how your life can go right, maybe I can find some contentment in being a terrible warning of how your life can go wrong...

I dreampt of her today. I was in england and the police were trying to arrest me before I went to the show she was at, but I was too smart for them. At first, I didn't want to sit next to her when I saw her there, but there were no other seats left so I did. She seemed happy to see me at first, snuggling up next to me. I could smell her again. I could see her face again. I thought I'd forgotten these things.

Then suddenly, she wanted nothing to do with me and now having given in to my love of her that had been iced over these last few months, (like a cancer victim hoping that with time we might find a cure...) I quietly pursued her all over the performance hall till it ended. She left. I begged her at the door for her to be with me. She said no and goodbye again and I awoke.

I feel like I'm back to square one, like the dream refreshed everything and its going to take me another few months to even get back to where I was yesterday. What was the point of all that?

I started work on book two of Angel's Keep today and it went real well. I pumped out about half a chapter's worth in an hour to an hour and a half. Really good stuff. Tobias is EEEEEEEEEEVIL! :-D Funny that he's one of the heroes...or is he? This second book is definately going to be more ambiguous (or however you spell that) than the first. I have yet to write a chapter explaining Lynn's story yet, but I'm kind of dreading it. I mean...its going to be so existentialist. I'm not sure how I'm going to write it. Probably like The House on the Rock in American Gods...except ongoing. Does that make sense? No? Oh well...

That's it. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. My novel I've been working on for seven years gets mailed today. I can't believe I actually made it all the way to the finish line. Now all I have to worry about is refusal slips coming in the mail...